The Sisterhood of the Bickering Sues
by Witchy Pixie
Summary: One of the greatest diabolical reunions to ever be written in the world of literature, a cult uniting some of the most popular book fandoms in Fanfiction…a gathering in which our feared nemesis coerces together…a Sisterhood of Mary-Sues. Written with E21
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: One of the greatest diabolical reunions to ever be written in the world of literature, a cult uniting some of the most popular book fandoms in Fanfiction…a gathering in which our feared nemesis coerces together…a Sisterhood of Mary-Sues. **

**_The Sisterhood of the Bickering Sues_**

Chapter One: Invitations

A petite, exceedingly attractive young woman entered the grand library of Cair Paravel. Her thick, golden hair cascaded down her back in waves and bounced lightly while she walked. Humming a Narnian tune to herself, she sat down at one of the desks, where she had put down the book she had been working on. When she opened it to her place, however, a sealed parchment slid to the surface of the desk.

"What's this?" she asked herself as she opened the letter, and began reading.

"_Dear High Queen Leana the Spectacularly Benevolent of Narnia,_

_Greetings and congratulations, for you have been accepted in your membership to the Sisterhood of the Gloriously Beautiful Women in the World. Our first meeting will be held in five minutes. Directly after reading this letter, you will be transported to the Sisterhood Headquarters, where you will meet your fellow Sisters. Once again, congratulations on your acceptance into such an esteemed and exclusive membership."_

"Well of cour—" Leana's words were abruptly cut off as she was enveloped in a blinding haze of azure light, and in a split second, she was in Narnia no more.

"Princess Irinyawyn, this has just arrived for you." Peering down at the servant with calculating eyes, she took the offered parchment from him. Piercing, pale blue eyes ran over the words on the page, which were neatly printed in the elvish tongue.

"_Dear Princess Irinyawyn of Mirkwood,_

_Greetings and Congratulations, for you have been accepted in your membership to the Sisterhood of the Utmost Intelligent and Equally Gloriously Beautiful Women in the World. Our first meeting will be held in five minutes. Directly after reading this letter, you will be transported to the Sisterhood Headquarters, where you will meet your fellow Sisters. Once again, congratulations on your acceptance into such an esteemed and exclusive membership."_

"What in Middle Earth—"Irinyawyn of Mirkwood was also enveloped in a sheer of blue light, and disappeared from the world of Middle Earth.

"Hmm, what's this?" Emerald of Alagaesia asked no one in particular, as she viewed the sealed letter one of the servants had just delivered her. She opened it, and looked at it in confusion (but was pleased) as she read.

"_Dear Princess Emerald Eva Marianna Susana of Alagaesia, _

_Greetings and Congratulations, for you have been accepted in your membership to the Sisterhood of the Utmost Intelligent, Supremely Deft in all Forms of Combat, and Gloriously Beautiful Women in the World. Our first meeting will be held in five minutes. Directly after reading this letter, you will be transported to the Sisterhood Headquarters, where you will meet your fellow Sisters. Once again, congratulations on your acceptance into such an esteemed and exclusive membership."_

Wha—"

*POOF*

Murtagh flipped through the day's mail, discarding "junk" and useless baiting of bill collectors. He would reap the seven words of death on the next one that filled his voicemail with toll free number messages about the pending additions to his billing account. Yes, he had bad credit. But he refused to be hassled by those Allstate, pencil-pushers any longer.

"Junk, junk, shit—another bill, junk! And…not junk. Vera! You have a letter. It's signed to both you and…Ave?"

…

"Seriously?" Ave eyed the parchment skeptically. Murtagh sighed.

"Let's just finish reading it," Vera suggested. Clearing her throat, she began to read.

_Greetings and Congratulations, for you have been accepted in your membership to the Sisterhood of the Utmost Intelligent, Supremely Deft in all Forms of Combat, Expert in all Things of Sorcery, and Gloriously Beautiful Women in the World…"_

…

*POOF*

The library was a calm, quiet room. It had hangings on the walls and carpeting to reduce noise, and the volumes and scrolls on the shelves seemed to demand respect. The sunlight filtered in through a window, showing that it was late afternoon.

Suddenly, the silence was broken.

Smoke filled the room, and five women entered. One was small, thin, and lithe. She had almond shaped eyes and black hair.

Another was tall and curvaceous, yet it was clear she was physically fit. She too had black hair, but it was longer, and she had brilliant green eyes. _Emerald _green eyes, in fact.

"What the _hell_?" asked the small one.

"For Angvar's sake, clean your mouth," said Emerald (for it was she, in all her royal glory as Galbatorix's daughter).

"Oh, don't even bother," said Ave, who was, of course, the gray-eyed woman.

She turned to Vera. "Where's that imbecile?"

"Who's an imbecile?" asked a third woman, stepping out from the bookshelves. She was elf-like and very beautiful. She carried weaponry even in the protected library, and consequently, whenever she turned, the quiver on her back smacked into something.

"Murtagh," responded Ave.

"You're just saying that because he _left _you," said Emerald. "Which was your own fault."

"Yes, yes, all my fault. I screw anything that walks; he was right to leave the bitter little whore," said Ave dryly. "Shut the fuck up."

"Just because _I _have a sense of morality!"

"Morals don't get one anywhere in life," said Ave.

"Children, children, stop fighting," said the third, (whose name was Iriyawyn).

"Get the fuck out," said Ave.

"How dare you, you insolent slut," cried Iriyawyn, her face appearing beautiful but terrible with anger.

Ave did not look remotely abashed.

Vera, from her sheltered window seat, winced. "_Come on, Murtagh, before they tear each other, or me, apart," _she thought. Another woman with oceanic orbs and golden hair swept past her. Vera went into a very unsuccessful charade as a chameleon.

"And what say _you, _Vera?" asked Emerald, a sneer in her voice.

"Well, I really couldn't—" Vera stumbled.

"The idiot! I can understand him leaving me for _you, _Ave, you've got to be at least a decent lay, but _her_?"

"_I'd _rather screw her than you," muttered Ave.

"Oh Vera, did you hear _that_?" asked Leana, with a titter. "I didn't know you liked—"

"Oh, by the gods, shut the hell up," said Ave. "I can and will use the seven words of death against you…all at once," she added with a fiendish chuckle.

"You _are _disagreeable," said Irinyawyn.

"Perhaps she's on her course," suggest Leana with another titter.

"No, she always acts like this," said Emerald.

"If the activities of my womb are no longer in question…" said Ave icily.

"I bet they are!" said Iriyawyn. "They're Cycle Sisters!"

"I'M SURROUNED BY IDIOCY!" shrieked Ave. A few objects propelled themselves at Leana and Iriyawyn.

"Ave, I know you're a lunatic, but please stop acting like one for a few moments, all right?" said a tired voice.

Murtagh stood in the door way. The result of his appearance was amusing, Ave became annoyed and slightly embarrassed, Emerald lifted her chin regally and looked away, and Iriyawyn and Leana paid no attention at all. Vera breathed a sigh of relief.

"Vera, what are you doing in the vipers' nest?" asked Murtagh.

"I was caught unawares," said Vera. First she had been reading the letter with Ave and Murtagh, and the next second she was in the hall in front of the library with three other women besides her and Ave. Two of them did not appear to be from the world of Alagaesia, and were extremely confused. However, Ave and Vera were less than enthused to see the princess of their king, Galbatorix.

They each regarded each other strangely, wondering how they had come to be where they were, until they read the sign posted on the library door: "_Welcome, Sisters, to the Sisterhood_." It was then that they realized that they were a part of the same membership, and had each gotten a letter to meet.

"Now, you just listen here," began Ave, but Iriyawyn cut in.

"Have you seen Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, anywhere about?" she asked, trying to create a casual effect.

"Who of who?" asked Leana. "What about Peter Pevensie…High King of Narnia?"

"The only royalty we've got is a psychotic king named Galbatorix," said Murtagh. "Who are you, anyway?"

"I'm Leana, daughter of Eve and High Queen of Narnia, and this is Irinyawyn, an elven princess who is part of the Fellowship of the Ring."

"This is becoming far too strange and I have people to screw," said Ave. "Good luck Murtagh. You'll need it."

And she marched out the door, with a slightly insane cackle.

"I'd comment on her usage of the plural…but I'm too afraid it was intentional," said Murtagh.

"Anyway, we randomly appeared here. Of course, we automatically understood everything about where we are and could totally beat you in a fight," said Irinyawyn. "Are there any elves I can socialize with? Humans bore me."

"Not in Uru'baen," said Murtagh. "I'd question you further, but that would necessitate caring, and seeing as you're associating with Emerald, I think I'll steer clear."

He stepped out the door, and Vera gratefully followed.

"What got Ave so upset?" asked Murtagh, as they made their way down the halls.

"Erm..." said Vera, "Iriynawyn and Leana might have hinted at the fact that her mood was due to…menstruation…and may have used the term 'Cycle Sisters' to refer to her and Emerald…"

Murtagh had to stop walking and lean against the wall, he was laughing so hard. "Ave's finally met her match! This is going to be…_interesting."_

**Well, we're at it again. E2189 and I have taken up a new project. Wish us luck!**

**Sisterhood requires some explanation. Many of you probably know Emerald from our Sue parody, TMAOMS, and Leana from the Chronicles of Narnia verson of the parody (Under E2189's account.) Irinyawyn is a created-on-the-spot LOTR sue. **

**Ave and Vera are proof that I should never write an OC fic. The fic they are from will never see the light of day, but in brief summary, Ave is the green rider (hides head in shame) who was Murtagh's lover until certain circumstances caused that to fall apart. Vera is a fairly ordinary human who happens to be his current love interest. **


	2. Chapter 2

**_The Sisterhood of the Bickering Sues_**

Chapter Two – The Man behind the Monster

Vera was unsure how she'd gotten trapped among the Sues again. She'd vowed to avoid them, but Emerald had snagged her outside of Murtagh's room and dragged her back to Ave's room.

Ave was looking highly displeased. She had the air of a mother bear whose cave has been invaded. Leana was rummaging through Ave's closet in search of ball gowns.

"You _must _look decent tonight," said Leana.

Emerald sniffed. She hated fancy affairs. They were trivial and undermined her riot-grrl feminism.

Leana had no such trouble. She loved dressing up, and when she was done with her own flawless perfection, she liked to practice on someone else. Ave, who had just realized she was the sacrifice to Leana's temple of beauty, began looking for excuses.

Iriyawyn didn't even have to dress up to look good. Her elven beauty was never marred. Her only problem was men throwing themselves at her. Emerald sympathized.

Vera had intended to dress by herself with the help on her handmaiden, but that was all out the window now. She leaned against the wall and sighed. If she could have contacted Murtagh mentally, she would have. She needed to be rescued, damn it.

"You know, Ave, it's sad that you're even trying," said Emerald.

"I'm _not_," muttered Ave. "I'm here under duress, and I'm mentally unstable and can use magic. I wouldn't recommend pissing me off."

Emerald sniffed again. It was clear she thought she could take Ave in any fight.  
>"So tell me about this Legolas," said Leana.<p>

"Oh, he's amazing," said Irinyawyn. Leana began brushing Ave's hair as she listened.

"He's the Prince of Mirkwood, but he's noble enough to go join the Fellowship to take the Ring to Mordor…and we're in love. I am his equal in all ways and for this he loves me. We were married not two years ago, and it was then that I became Princess of Mirkwood."

"What does he look like?" asked Leana, yanking a knot and causing Ave to shriek in pain.

"Oh he's tall and thin, with the body of a cat. He's got gorgeous long hair, which he braids—"

At this Ave started laughing. She snorted as everyone turned to look at her.

"What?" ashed Irinyawyn icily.

"I just—haha—think—oh—if he—ahahaha—_braids _his hair—he's not going to—swing your way," Ave buried her head in her hands and shook with mirth.

"_You _can stop being immature," said Irinyawyn severely. "It is elven custom!"

Ave attempted to muffle her giggles with little success.

"And what about Peter?" asked Emerald.

Leana became dreamy. "He's the High King of Narnia…and he is also Sir Peter Wolfsbane. He has eyes the color of the sea after a storm…and blonde hair that hangs to his shoulders…and though he has been through much hardship, he is still kind and good."

Ave mimed gagging and Vera snorted, barely being able to withhold her laughter.

"You all have an obsession with blondes," muttered Ave under her breath.

Irinyawyn's keen elven ears picked up the comment, but she did not distain to respond.

"And _you_, Vera?" asked Leana.

Vera turned several interesting shade of red. Ave guffawed.

"I really don't think—" she began.

"Come now, you must tell us! Emerald says you're in love with Murtagh, the king's dragon rider. And there's a whole story about it!"

"I suppose—" began Vera hesitantly, but Emerald cut her off.

"That bitch over there got captured from the silly little Varden. She decided snaring Murtagh would be a good idea, then screwed him over and went on to fuck everything in sight. This unremarkable creature (here she indicated Vera) is the newest woman to catch him in her claws."

"Vera doesn't have claws," said Ave. "She's more of a rabbit or some other non-threatening cuddly animal. And as for Murtagh, you talk about him as if he's deaf, dumb, and blind. Which, seeing as he avoids _you, _he can't be."

"How dare you!" cried Emerald.

"He avoids her due to unresolved sexual tension!" shouted Leana, with a yank on the brush.

"Or terror," mumbled Ave.

"I know I'm a wonderful fighter, but I wouldn't harm him…much," said Emerald.

"Stop trying intimidating. The only thing scary about you is your large ego," said Ave.

Emerald caused a magical bolt to fly at Ave, who neatly blocked it and retaliated with a spell for pain.

"Cat fight!" cried Leana. She yelped and ducked fast as an electric bolt flew directly above her head. Subsequently, she cowered behind the couch.

Irinyawyn inspected her nails. This was all so beneath her.

Vera attempted to slip out, unnoticed. She succeeded, and as soon as the door was shut, she broke into a run.

She literally ran into Murtagh. After they'd brushed themselves off, he asked, "Where were you? And why are you running as if all the demons of hell are after you?"

"Because they are," said Vera.  
>As if on cue, Ave and Emerald burst forth from the room, dueling with magic. Neither was attempting to kill, only maim of seriously injury, but the point remained that they were forces of destruction.<p>

"Ah," said Murtagh. "I suggest we leave. If we're lucky, when we come back, they'll be nothing left of either of them."

"Apologize!" shouted Emerald.

"You clearly don't know me at all," said Ave.

"Right now!" shouted Emerald.

"Fine, I'm sorry," said Ave.

"There, that wasn't so hard," answered Emerald. "Apology acc—"

"THAT YOU'RE AN UNMITIGATED IMBECILE!" shrieked Ave.

"Ave, really," said Vera.

"Don't 'Ave, really' me! This freak of nature needs to die a suffering death by my hand!"

"Ave! The king's not going to like you tearing up his corridors. Now, for about five minutes, could you act like…someone who's somewhere near normal?" Murtagh ran his hands through his hair tiredly. This day just wouldn't end. And tonight there was some celebration to go to…Murtagh and celebration didn't go together. No, not at _all_.

"The king can—"

"Can we all just sit down and try to figure out what's going on? The letters and all?" asked Vera.

Ave glared at her, then trudged back to the room, where Leana and Irinyawyn were waiting. Emerald followed, shooting Murtagh a mysterious look, and Murtagh leaned over to Vera. "Shall we run?" he asked.

"No, they'll find us," said Vera. "Best get it over with."

Everyone assembled in the room. Emerald lounged on a window seat, shooting Murtagh glares and sultry gazes alternately. Irinyawyn sat, straight-backed and calm in another chair. Leana was curled up brushing her hair. Ave leaned against the wall, making a show of cleaning her nails with a shining dagger. Murtagh and Vera sat side-by-side on one of the couches, and no one was sure who was protecting whom.

"Well?" asked Emerald.

"I suppose we ought to get to the bottom of this," said Leana.

"So to summarize," said Irinyawyn, taking charge of the meeting, "We all got letters inviting us to be part of the 'Sisterhood of the Utmost Intelligent, Supremely Deft in all Forms of Combat, Expert in all Things of Sorcery, and Gloriously Beautiful Women in the World.' And we were transported from our various worlds to…_here_."

Heads nodded.

"Which leads me to question, what do we all have in common?"

"Not looks," purred Emerald, with a side-long glance at Ave.

"Or intelligence," shot back Ave.

"Please, girls, you're all pretty," said Irinyawyn condescendingly.

"Oh, shut the fuck up before I impale you," said Ave.

"We're all non-virgins, who've screwed very good-looking men," said Leana.

Ave snorted and Emerald turned crimson.

"It's only a matter of time," muttered said princess.

"Not in your wildest dreams…" said Ave. "Or nightmares," she muttered.

"ANYWAY," broke in Murtagh, "I doubt that's it. But look, you're all female, you're all decent-looking (yes Ave, Emerald too, don't look at me like that.) You're all rather infuriatingly…perfect."

"Oh, don't even give me that shit!" shouted Ave. "If you'd lived my pathetic excuse for a life, I doubt you'd—"

"Oh, stuff it," said Murtagh airily. His mood was improving, since he had realized that _his _name had not been on that envelope. Besides, anything that annoyed Ave was a _good _thing.

"Don't you tell me to—"

"Ave, shut _up_."

Ave lapsed into annoyed silence.

Suddenly, another note fluttered down to the low coffee table in the center of the room. Irinyawyn attempted to grab it, but Ave used magic to make it fly to her. She opened it languidly and read.

"You are all Mary-sues."

"Oh," said Ave, dropping the letter, "_hell _no."


	3. Chapter 3

_~The Sisterhood of the Bickering Sues~_

Chapter 3: Murtagh Editorializes and the Sues Attend a Ball

"What's a Mary-sue?" asked Emerald, impatiently.

"There's an explanation," said Vera, taking it from Ave. She read as follows:

"_Mary-sue: noun. A girl who is perfect in every way. She ends up with the hot guy, either the hero or the sexy anti-hero. She is beautiful, kind, modest, good at fighting/magic/any other skill from a fandom. She often has a tragic past, including but not limited to: child abuse, rape, or slavery. She will beat everyone in duels, have witty comebacks to any line, be a rebel, and be absolutely amazing in bed. She will have men (and possibly women) fall all over her, but she will shun them all for her love interest. She may have an inferiority complex that makes you pity her. She will be oppressed by many. Mary-sues come in varying degrees of severity. They are basically a scourge of the earth."_

There was a beat of silence and then…

"I am _not _a Mary-sue!"

"How DARE they?"

"That doesn't fit me at _all!_"

"I have _flaws!_ Like…wait a minute…I've got one…I think—"

"Demons above and below, I'm a complete bitch and a total whore! How could _anyone_—"

"I have a mad _king _for a father! That's definitely a flaw!"

"Just because I get a beautiful elf prince—"

"I can't _help _that I'm beautiful and good at things!"

"I am _not _a scourge!"

"What the hell _is _a scourge?"

"YOU!"

"Ave, shut up!"

"I will not. If anyone's a Mary-sue, _you _are, Vera-"

"Maybe _you _all are…Mary-sues, but _I _most certainly am not. The idea!"

"SHUT UP!" shouted Ave.

"Thank you," said Murtagh. "Now, let's see here. I suppose I'm the closest thing to an objective presence…"

Ave snorted.

"Editorials _not_withstanding, I suppose I'd better evaluate…what's the first thing? Are you all perfect?"

Ave began to laugh, and Murtagh nodded. "Yeah, that's what I thought. Now, do you all end up with...not all of you are with anyone so this is moot…Ave, screwing someone different every night doesn't count_,_ beautiful…hmm, sure, you're all good-looking, especially Vera, and I'm not going any further than that because I value my life.

"Modest…not _you, _that's for sure, elf-princess-person, good at fighting/magic/anything else…Vera can't use magic but she's decent with a sword—Ave stop snickering—tragic past…mmm, they've got _your _number, Ave.

"Beat everyone at everything…haven't fought all of you at anything so I can't say…witty comebacks, gotta hand that to most of you, be a rebel…it pains me, Emerald, but I suppose you are. Amazing in—no I am _not _going to screw all of you to find out. From my limited research, sure. Men falling all over her…I don't think it counts if you throw yourself at them, Ave, and the second bit's not true for you _at all_, but probably the rest of you…

"Inferiority complex…it's like they _know _you, Ave, Vera, sort of…as for you all, I don't know, but _not _elf-princess-thingy or Emerald…Oppressed by many…that's most of you…scourge….I'm not going to say anything."

Murtagh looked up from the paper. "Yeah, I'd say you're sues, except Vera."

"And you're biased, said Emerald, glaring at Vera.

"Screw you," said Ave, glaring at Murtagh.

"You'd like to, wouldn't you?" said Emerald.

"Coming from you, that's rich," said Ave.

"Shut _up_," said Vera, coloring.

"Vera showed backbone! I never thought I'd see the day!" said Ave.

"Ave, stop…being yourself," said Murtagh. "Now, you're all Mary-sues. Sure, okay. Now, what are we supposed to do?"

"I know!" shouted Leana, who had been quiet for several, divine minutes.

She paused, as if waiting for someone to say, "What?" When no one did, she shouted it out anyway.

"GET READY FOR THE BALL!"

"Oh shit," said Ave.

Murtagh and Vera, being closest to the door, made it out.

Leana returned to brushing Ave's hair. Irinyawyn admired herself in a mirror.

Emerald sighed. "I'd rather be out training than going to some silly party."

"But you're the _princess!_" cried Leana, her voice hitting decibels that made Ave want to impale herself with a butter knife...plastic, dull, butter knife. "We'll get you looking wonderful! Murtagh won't be able to look away!"

"_I think he'll manage_," thought Ave.

Emerald heaved a long dramatic sigh. "I just hate being hit on and viewed as a fragile little princess. I'm meant for so much more!"

"I know the feeling," Irinyawyn sighed. "But it's our duty."

"Hmm…but what if we don't _choose_ to be princesses?" asked Emerald, with a toss of her hair.

"_I _have a royal duty to my people," said Irinyawyn. "I don't know about _you_."

"You wouldn't understand…" said Emerald loftily, "but my father is evil. I cannot, in good conscience support him!" Her cheeks colored with passion.

Ave kept her own self-pitying thoughts about her childhood to herself. Might as well suffer in silence. As per usual.

"You seem to be _quite _busy doing something about that," retorted Irinyawyn.

"I'd thank you to stop insulting me," said Emerald. "You don't know what I can do, and I'd hate to _hurt _you."

"Is that a _challenge_?" Irinyawyn fingered her dagger.

"Hardly. It would be beneath me," said Emerald, looking lazily out the window.

Irinyawyn leapt at Emerald, graceful as a dancer. Emerald retaliated with spells and mental warfare.

"It might be fun to watch them take each other out," said Ave, and Leana watched with interest.

"You really _are _psychotic. Now, how do you want your hair?" asked Leana. She began reaming off different styles, and Ave kept calm by imagining ten different ways to kill Leana with each item in the room.

"—or beads. What do you think?" asked Leana?

"I don't know," said Ave evilly. "Can you run through them again?"

Leana took a deep breath, and Ave returned to coming up with the seventh way to murder Leana with the flowered carpet beneath their feet.

When everyone was finally ready, Ave kicking up quite the elaborate fuss about dresses, and how Leana had the taste of a blind warthog, they all stepped up, and made their way to one of the king's many elaborate ballrooms.

Ave broke from the group with little difficulty (they were immersed is searching for some "Peter" and "Legolas.") She concentrated on her current goals: one, find something decent to drink so she had some chance of forgetting the slightly mad afternoon. And two, betray her current informant to a better one, who she'd probably end up with that night. That was all right, she might as well take advantage of his good mood to hopefully get more details about how the king's espionage was mobilizing. Besides, he was damn good looking.

She spotted Murtagh and Vera hovering just outside the crowd, talking rather earnestly. She made a mental note to speak with Murtagh later that night. This "situation" was becoming something they could no longer ignore.

The Sues (Ave mentally exempted herself from that group) were dazzling everyone in attendance.

"_It's not goddamn fair that they don't have to bat an eyelash to look like goddesses…and they're so damn snooty I'd like to give them a personal introduction to Shurikan…."_

Ave sidled up to her target, one of Galbatorix's top advisors. Time to begin.

Murtagh and Vera escaped early. They headed to the deserted library to look up what Vera had dubbed "sue-lore." Searching the shelves for about an hour, they finally found several volumes in a collection of books. At the closing of each tome silvery sparkles and pink dust puffed in their faces. By the end of the hour, the two were predisposed to fits of coughing. And every one of them was filled to the back pages with…horrible stories that made Murtagh cringe.

"We will be skipping the Inheritance Cycle section," he said. It was too painful to read the idiocy.

"Hey, I've found where Leana is from!" said Vera. She opened a book encased in a leather binding, one that appeared different from the prior pieces they had been picking up. As she flipped a few pages, the book began to shake in her hands. Vera dropped it in surprise as a hand reached out of one of the (severely detailed) pictures. Murtagh stared on in shock.

"I say, where the devil am I?" In front of the two stood a tall, regal looking man (that could have been because of the golden crown on his head), dressed in fine clothing of a noble.

"…Alagaesia," Murtagh answered slowly after he got his tongue to dislodge from his mouth.

"Where is that, some unknown province beyond the country of Narnia?" asked the man.

"Well, I'd say it's out of your jurisdiction," said Vera. "Are you…Peter?"

"High King Peter the Magnificent of Narnia, Lord of Cair Paravel, Emperor of the Lone Islands—"

"Yes, he's the one," Vera cut in. Murtagh sighed.

"We will have to bring him to Leana," she said.

"Oh, no…you don't mean that…that _she-devil_, do you?" said Peter in disgust.

"You're not in love with her?" Murtagh asked.

"While I was under her spell, it pains me to say. But now I believe you've freed me. And for this I will forever be grateful. I have no desire to see the woman."

"Well, that may prove a problem," began Vera. "You see, we don't exactly know how to bring you back to your world…we have other guests."

"Including…" Peter trailed in horror.

"Including Leana, unfortunately," Murtagh finished.

"Aslan, give me strength," Peter muttered to himself and looked up to the sky, as if pleading for mercy.

"Sorry about this," said Vera. "I'm Vera…this is Murtagh."

"It's…a pleasure to meet you," Peter replied.

"It's all right, we know it's not."

"Murtagh…" Vera shook her head.

"What, it isn't!"

"Let's just go."

Vera and Murtagh led the king back to the room where the Sues were gathered. It was an…interesting scene.

"IF YOU PULL MY HAIR ONE MORE TIME, YOU DUMB BITCH, I WILL MASSACRE YOU INTO LITTLE BITE-SIZED PIECES!"

"Ave has finally cracked," Emerald mused from her seat by the window, safely away from the squabbling pair.

"Such a fickle woman," added Irinyawyn. Ave had unsheathed her sword, and looked about ready to pounce on Leana. The other woman cowered, blue eyes wide with fear.

"Ave…" said Vera tiredly.

"Ave, put down the weapon," said Murtagh.  
>"I wouldn't <em>mind <em>if you killed her," muttered Peter under his breath.

"I said, put down the damn sword," repeated Murtagh.

Ave glared. "Do _not _tell me what to do. I am going to run this imbecile through, and then I am going to laugh. After that, I am going to find something very strong to drink to get rid of the massive headache she has inflicted on me."

Murtagh moved toward Ave slowly. She brandished the sword.

"Ave, we both know you wouldn't kill her in cold blood. Now stop acting psychotic and put down the sword. Then the sues can go back to the party and you can go get drunk, All right?"

"It is _not_," said Ave. "The idiot brushed my hair for three hours, and then it got mussed up, and now she wants to do it again. After the wound she inflicted on my scalp with a hairpin, I decided to put an end to it."

"How on _earth _did you muss it up?" asked Irinyawyn. "I know your hair is stringy, but Leana put in about twenty pins."

"Screwing someone is generally not very easy on the hair," said Ave. "Now, Murtagh, _if _you don't mind…" She turned toward Leana with a menacing expression on her face.

Murtagh attempted to use magic to render the sword useless. Ave whirled around to face him.

"Don't you goddamn think you can decide what I do! Now get the hell out before I—"

Murtagh reached forward and grabbed the sword out of Ave's hand.

"I won't give it back until you're somewhere nearer to sane," he said.

"So…never?" asked Emerald.

"_You _don't need to make this any harder," said Murtagh, as Ave turned to Emerald, with eyes dangerously narrowed. She reached down to rank a dagger out of her boot, and then realized she was wearing dancing shoes.

"Damn it," said Ave. She looked at Murtagh. "Give it back."

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"I swear, I'll only kill one of them."

"No."

"Just one?"

"No."

"DAMN IT! Murtagh, give me back the damn sword!"

"No."

"WHEN I GET IT BACK, _YOU'RE _GOING TO BE FIRST O MY LIST!" Ave stomped out the door. Murtagh sighed.

"What's she going to do?" asked Leana, letting out a breath she'd been holding for a while.

"Get drunk and sleep with someone," replied Murtagh. "Hmm, I'm not sure I want to give this back to her…She'll probably be pretty angry with me tomorrow."

Vera laughed. "Anyway, Leana—" she began.

But Leana had already noticed Peter, who was attempting to blend in with the door behind them

"PETER!" she shouted.

"No!" shouted Peter, turning white as a sheet. Leana leapt on top of him. Peter steadied himself against the door, and regarded the girl clinging to him with distaste.

"Please let me go," he said, in a strained but courteous voice. "I can't breathe."

"I knew you'd find me!" cried Leana, tightening her hold.

"A…little…help?" gasped Peter. Leana had pinned him arms to his sides. She was freakishly strong.

Murtagh sighed and together, he and Peter managed to pull Leana off.

"How _dare _you separate me from my beloved?" asked Leana indignantly of Murtagh.

"Listen, Leana," began Peter, attempting to sound diplomatic. "I don't know of any relationship we had, but it appears I was under some sort of spell, and now I can say that I don't—I mean, no offense but I really—we're not meant for each other at all, all right?"

Leana's face went through several phases of horror.

Then she began wailing at the top of her lungs.

"…There, there," said Irinyawyn, awkwardly patting Leana on the shoulders.

"Oh dear," said Peter.

"Never pity sues," said Murtagh, firmly. "Come on. Let's get out of here. We can find you a room, if you want,"

"Erm, I suppose," said peter, letting Murtagh shepherd him away. "I just wonder how I'll be getting back to Narnia."


	4. Chapter 4

**_The Sisterhood of the Bickering Sues_**

**Chapter 4: Indestructible Elves, and the Early Sue Catches the Worm**

Murtagh found a disused room for Legolas and Peter. They both looked completely incapable of sleep; they kept twitching and looking over their shoulders. Murtah sympathized. He placed about twenty-five magical locks on his door, and retired, with Vera, for a night of unpleasant, sue-filled dreams.

Ave had returned to her room, looking forward to a nice, long sleep. Instead, just as her head hit the pillow, there came a knock on her door.

"Go away!"

The knocking continued.

"I _said_, get the fuck out!"  
>"Language!" shouted Emerald.<p>

"GET AWAY FROM MY DOOR, SCUM!"

"Open up, or we're going to get Murtagh!"

"You do that."

"_And _Daddy."

Cursing, Ave walked over to the door. She pulled it open and glared at the sues witheringly. "All right. Before you set foot in here, let's get a few things straight: one, I get the bed, two, make any noise and I'll kill you messily, three, if you sleep walk to talk, I will not hesitate to douse you in ice-cold water. Are we clear?"

Leana nodded meekly. Emerald sniffed. Irinyawyn ignored Ave.

"Pick any patch of floor you like," said Ave, and collapsed on her bed again.

She was woken the next morning my Leana, who was singing to the birds outside the window. Ave slipped unwillingly out of sleep. The light hurt her eyes, and she already had a blinding headache.

"_Someone needs to come up with a spell for curing hangovers_," she thought, burying her head in a pillow.

"Leana! Shut the damn drapes!"

"Don't listen to her, she's just hungover," said Emerald. "Keep charming the wildlife, Leana."

"Yes. I am. Shut the goddamn drapes, and for angvar's sake, be _quiet_."

Leana responded by singing an octave higher and opening the drapes further.

"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM!"  
>"You know, you really ought not to drink quite so much. Though I wouldn't know, alcohol doesn't affect elves," said Irinyawyn.<p>

"Fuck you and the elf you rode in on" mumbled Ave.

Emerald snorted. Ave, realizing that Leana wasn't going to shut up unless Ave made her, got up and stumbled over to Irinyawyn and Emerald, who were breakfasting.

"There's not much left," said Emerald.

"That would, in fact, be _my _breakfast," said Ave.

"The early bird catches the worm, said Emerald.

"Right, right. Give me my toast."

Emerald crunched her toast meaningfully.

"You really oughtn't to drink so much. It's your own fault you feel bad," said Irinyawyn.

"Mmm-hmm. Toast, please."

"There's hardly enough for four."

"I have training. Give me the damn toast."

"You should learn to share," said Emerald.  
>"GIVE ME MY FUCKING TOAST!"<p>

Murtagh, who was savoring a quiet, sane, sue-free breakfast with Vera, cocked his head to the side.

"What?" asked Vera.

"I could have swore I heard Ave. Something about toast. But we all know I'm going mad."

Ave and Murtagh met on the training fields. The sues were trailing after Ave, and Peter and Legolas watched by a few bemused onlookers.

Galbatorix strode out onto the fields.

"Good morning, young students!"

"Good morning, sir," they sing-songed.

"Now today we will—"

Emerald strode up, accompanied by her battalion. "Father, I'd like to give a ball," she said.

"_You_?" asked Galbatorix, nonplussed. "Wait a moment, who's that? And—are you an _elf_?"

Irinyawyn nodded, bored.

"Murtagh, why was I not informed of this?" Galbtorix glared, menacingly. "Hmm?"

"Why me? Why not Ave? _She _could have informed you."

"Don't evade the question."

"Erm…well, there's a long story…"

"Sir?" asked Leana, batting her eyes. "Wouldn't you love to turn to Aslan? To be good?"

"Who the hell let the Jehovah Witness in? I thought I had a spell to impale them on sight," said Galbatorix.

"Right. You're incompetent and shall be overthrown. By a farm boy. Who's even stupider than my series' hero," said Irinyawyn. "Let's move on."

"But the ball—" began Leana.

"Later, fickle one," said Emerald, and they swept away.

Galbatorix glanced after them, frowned in consternation, then shook his head. "Too weird, deal with later," he said. "Now, spar and Ave, try not to take it as personally as you usually do, hmm?"

Ave reached down to her sheath, and realized it was empty. She glared at Murtagh.

"…Ave, where is your sword?"

"Long story."

"I'd love to hear it."

"Murtagh, you should tell it."

Murtagh sighed. "I took it, she was trying to kill the sues."

"The _whats_?"

"The mary-sues."

"Murtagh, speak plainly."

"Those girls, the scary-perfct ones. She was trying to impale them, and I thought it best not to _encourage _her homicidal tendencies…"

Galbatorix sighed.

"_Incompetent goddamn minions,_" he muttered.

Later on, back in the library, everyone as attempting to figure out the sisterhood's purpose. Everyone except Leana, Emerald, and Irinyawyn, that is. They were of beating everyone in fights and generally being dazzling. Dazzling. Like Edward Cullen. Only more obnoxious. Back in the library, however, things were going…badly.

"You call me a sue again, and you're going to _pay_!" shouted Ave.

"You _are_!"

"Why you little—"

"If that _demon _shows up here again—"

"Relax, she's hanging out with the _other _demons."

"Yes but it seems as if she can perceive my whereabouts…"

Legolas looked over his shoulder and glanced around worriedly.

"Order!" shouted Vera. "Come to order! The Society of the…" she trailed off, unable to think of a cool name.

"The anti-sues!" shouted Ave.

"The sue-slayers!" cried Legolas, brandishing his bow.

"The Society of Reasonable Canon Characters!" said Peter.

"MALVP!" said Murtagh, after a moment's thought.

"…What?" asked Peter?"

"It's the first letter of all our names, put together. Sounds mysterious."

"The Canon Defenders!" said Peter.

"The Sue-Slaying Society of MALVP Reasonable Canon Character Defenders," said Vera, with finality. "Now—"

"You left out mine," said Ave, miffed.

"Point here being, what are we going to do?" asked Peter.

"EXTERINATE THEM!" shouted Legolas.

"Now, now, let's be sane," said Peter.

"There is no sanity where sues are concerned," said Murtagh.

At that moment, there was a rapping on the door. Legolas made a sound resembling "Eep!"

Ave fidgeted. Murtagh resolutely looked away from the door. Vera sighed. Peter stood up.

"What the _hell_ are you _doing_?" asked Ave.

"We can't just lock them out," said Peter, a hand on the doorknob.

"Says who?" asked Murtagh.

Peter shook his head in disgust. "We're gentlemen—" (Ave snorted) "—what else can we do?"

"Run," said Murtagh.

"Pretend we're not here," said Legolas.

"Use magic to kill them outside the door," said Ave.

"Climb out the window," said Vera.

Peter opened the door.

Four death glares bored into his back. Ave's hands itched for their dagger.

He sues stood outside the door, Emerald at the forefront. Murtagh winced.

"We were wondering where you were," said Leana menacingly.

At that moment, Legolas leapt out the window.

Emerald strode purposefully up to Murtagh and began to scream at him. After precisely 1.8654643 seconds, she burst into tears. Leana glomped Peter. Ave strolled languidly over to the window.

"Wow. He wasn't hurt or anything. Elves are _indestructible."_

Irinyawyn followed Legolas's downward journey. Ave watched with amusement. "Look at him go," she said. "Eh, I may as well help him. Even if he is a braided pansy."

She caused a magical, invisible wall of air to appear in front of Irinyawyn. The elf was running so fast, she bounced off and began to walk around in disoriented circles. Ave guffawed. Then she walked over and helped Vera pry Leana off of Peter's constricted Vital organs.

**I lost this chapter like three times. Legit. It sucked. I'm not going to apologize for ridiculing Jehovah Witness. They ask for it. Unearthly hours of the morning…**


End file.
